I was on Facebook looking through old photos when I came across many of my past relationship, pretty much my only serious relationship. Now, I will tell you that I no longer have feelings for my ex, a love for an old friend will never go away, but feelings have subsided and I have moved on (YAY!!). Out of no where I began to cry, not at the sight of my ex, not at the captured memories but at the realization of forgetting what it is like to be in a relationship with someone.
I have been single for a little over a year now and even though I was seeing someone for about a month, it faded quickly due to location. When I was seeing this other person we made a connection immediately, at some points I felt like I was talking to my other half, he was truly amazing. He embodied everything I want in someone. However, I did not allow myself to let my guard down: One, because he doesn’t live here and I knew he would be going back home and two, because I didn’t want to get hurt and it was the first person I was actually intimate with after my ex of 7 1/2 years. But I’ll tell you this much, he definitely set the bar high for what I want in a partner.
My point is, I’ve been single and it has been wonderful. I have been fixing my life and changing who I am one day at a time…for the better of course! I am a much happier, calmer and wiser person with the journey I have embarked on in the past year. I am not saying I just want a boyfriend because that would be shallow and and somewhat untrue but I am saying that I want to find a partner again, a friend, someone who inspires me someone who makes me feel special and someone whom I can make feel special. I want to walk down the street holding their hand and goofing around while we laugh and joke around. I want someone to call after I have a shitty day at work or someone to call when I have the most amazing news to share. I want to be someone’s phone call when they are having a shitty day so I can cheer them up. I want to be someone’s phone call when they have amazing news so I can share their happiness. I want someone to think of me when they fall asleep at night and when they wake in the morning. I want to be able to send a loving or goofy text message when I am sitting in class bored out of my mind. I want to make future plans about cool trips we want to take or what we can do for the Summer, like picnics and hikes and lazy daisy beach days. I want to remember what it is like to feel loved unconditionally from someone other than my family…I want to KNOW what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.
I can truthfully say I took my relationship for granted because, well let’s be honest, it wasn’t meant to be and it went on far longer than it should have but sometimes when you are young and think you are in “love” we convince ourselves that something is right when deep down we know it is completely wrong. I took it for granted because in my young mind thought it was always going to be there. I am apologizing to the universe for taking such a beautiful thing for granted. I am not sure if being in a relationship anytime soon or even ever is in the cards for me but I now know how to love myself and I now know how to appreciate and love others and I would make amazing partner. I would inspire, support, push, motivate, create, appreciate, challenge, and simply just love you. I am more appreciative and fortunate of my life now that I have been ever before. I am accepting of the hardships and difficulties that come my way and I am more motivated than ever to go after my dreams.
They say you find love when you are ready for it. I don’t think I am completely ready for it because I am still on the journey but after the epiphany I had today I am pretty sure I am on the right track.
And anyway, aren’t we always on the journey?